I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
