Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
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