Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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