Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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