Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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