I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
