My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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