Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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