Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
