I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
