he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
