Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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