I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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