i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
