you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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