Plan B is the new Plan A
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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