I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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