we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
