I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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