Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
