At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
