Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My liver just had a heart attack.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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