MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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