And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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