We're like a lot better than the average bears
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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