Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Randomize
