Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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