I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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