I am puke
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
