dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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