I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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