home. puking in laundry basket.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
