I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
