i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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