I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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