Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
