any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
