this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
