just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
