I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
operation have a gay friend backfired
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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