obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
