My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
