He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
