wrigley field is MILF paradise
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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