you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
