I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
