Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
