im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
