Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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