remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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