Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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