Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
