You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
