We need to rekindle our bromance
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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