Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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