my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
