America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
