my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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