My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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