Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
